


Awkward Measurements

by BookWyrm07



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Crack, Dick Pics, F/M, M/M, Past Relationship(s), WTF
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-13
Updated: 2019-10-13
Packaged: 2020-12-14 15:17:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 739
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21017900
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BookWyrm07/pseuds/BookWyrm07
Summary: Malia receives an unsolicited dick pic and the pack discuss how to reply.





	Awkward Measurements

**Author's Note:**

> This is a dick pic fic. I hope you enjoy this cracky fun bunnyzilla that attacked me when I first woke up.

#

Malia looked at her phone and made a sound of disgust. Scott looked over her shoulder grimaced. "Why do guys do this?" She growled, "my relationship status clearly says engaged, but random douchecanoes send me pictures of their junk."

"Block 'em and be done with it," Allison suggested. She snuggled a little closer to Isaac.

"I usually send a laughing emoji or a panel of female judges," Hayden said.

"I send screenshots to his mom, grandma or whatever female relative I can track down," Lydia said with a devious smile.

"Too much work." Malia rolled her eyes.

"He's not even that big," Scott said in dismay. "It's not like he has much to be proud of."

"Maybe you should reply to him with a pic of your own, Scotty," Stiles suggested. "Caption it with, she doesn't need your Oscar Meyer when she's got this kielbasa." The gathered pack members erupted with laughter.

"I should do it!" Malia agreed.

Scott's face turned bright crimson. "It was a joke, baby. I don't want to send out pics of my equipment."

"If you're going to send one back, you should send the biggest one you can find," Lydia said. Her eyes glittered as they focused on Stiles. Stiles shook his head, mouth poised to speak.

"Stiles is bigger than Scott," Malia said it as fact.

"That means Isaac is out of the running. Scott's bigger than him," Allison said.

Isaac eyed his girlfriend. "Who said I was in the running?"

"Clearly, you're not, and neither is Jackson or Eathan, assuming, of course that he and Aiden really were completely identical." Lydia thought for a moment. "Stiles is huge, but I don't know how he measures up against the puppies, Theo or Derek."

"Most of them aren't even here, besides, I'm bigger than Derek," Stiles blurted out, then clamped his mouth shut. The pack stared at him, and his face burned. "The guy spent months climbing in my bedroom window. Are you really that surprised we had sex?"

"Umm, Theo just went for pizza," Mason said trying to change the subject. "Am I considered a puppy, even though I'm human?"

"Has Lydia seen your dick?" Corey asked. Mason shook his head. "Then she's counting you as a puppy."

"How big is Stiles?" Hayden asked. Liam shook his head at his ex girlfriend, his face already red. She continued as if she hadn't seen, holding her hands about ten inches apart. "Because Liam is at least this big, and too thick for my hand to close around."

Everyone turned Liam, their faces a mix of surprise and excitement. "The puppy is packing," laughed Isaac.

"There's only one way to solve this," Malia declared.

Liam looked panicked at his alpha, hoping for rescue. "No one is dropping their pants here in front of everyone," Scott insisted.

"Fine, go in the bathroom, and take a pic at full mast and we can compare that way," Malia said.

"Wasn't the whole point of this to shut down guys sending you dick pics?" Liam asked.

"The point is to stop rando creeper dudebros. The question, Liam is are you willing to take one for the women of this pack?" Lydia asked.

"You don't want to abandon your packmates in their time of need, do you?" Allison smiled.

Liam grumbled and stood up. "You don't have to, Liam," Scott said. His voice was gentle. "You can tell them no, and they will drop it and no one will bring it up again, or think any less of you." The girls all nodded. Liam stomped off to the bathroom without another word.

When Theo came in with the pizza he took a moment to figure out the mix of chemo signals in the room. The girls all seemed happy in a mischievous kind of way, like they were all in on a joke he wasn't part of. The guys all seemed impressed, but a little awkward, except Liam. He reeked of embarrassment. His cheeks were still bright red and he refused to look anyone in the eyes.

"What did you guys do to my boyfriend?" Theo asked, a growl creeping into his voice.

Lydia explained, "I assure you he was a willing participant. He has helped the women of this pack fight misogyny, rape culture and the incels of the internet."

"I've got a question for you, Theo," Isaac said with a smirk. "How are you even able to walk?"


End file.
